urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin endroits à être endroits à être 2009-12-23T05:47:15Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:143417 2009-12-23T05:47:15Z 2009-12-23T05:47:15Z mostly clear, partly cloudy.<br /><br /><br />i have four options, and no best way of choosing.<br /><br /><br />all four of them involve solitude, adventure, discovery, expedition, and willpower.<br /><br />luckily, i have til september.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:143236 2009-12-15T08:03:38Z 2009-12-15T08:03:38Z And the wind and snow, and the rain that blows; none of those would matter much<br />without you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:142815 2009-11-25T05:14:12Z 2009-11-25T05:14:12Z i believe everything you say<br />'cos you're not frightened<br />the way i've been so<br />so i follow you<br />just in case you lose your way<br />so glad you let me stay around<br /><br />talking endlessly, not a kind word to say<br />till your amber beads of wisdom come<br />and i want to write it down<br />just the way you said it<br />so i could keep it always urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:142191 2009-11-21T08:59:20Z 2009-11-21T08:59:20Z people are different, expansive, and so lovely urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:142053 2009-11-16T02:46:29Z 2009-11-16T02:46:29Z when one photo makes you feel an incredible breadth of feelings<br />you know you're doing at least something correctly urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:141772 2009-11-11T00:32:01Z 2009-11-11T00:32:01Z my energy level just hit zero.<br /><br />i forgot to save some for later.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />if i get up and keep going,<br />it'll be good practice, right. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:141553 2009-11-04T06:10:41Z 2009-11-04T06:10:41Z yay :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:141225 2009-10-31T07:52:16Z 2009-10-31T07:52:16Z i can't think of anything to write about. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:140979 2009-10-29T10:47:33Z 2009-10-29T10:47:33Z why can't i fall asleep?<br /><br />- it is almost 4 am. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:140707 2009-10-26T17:34:17Z 2009-10-26T17:57:44Z i roped and soloed two pitches in the MT. A bowl around 4 am this morning. i was really high, but i came back with all gear accounted for. crazy windy darkness. i was tempted to try and clean the old piton from below the black slab, because it looked exciting, but when i got super pumped out about 15 feet below it, with no bolts above, i started to feel scared.<br /><br />i guess that's rational fear though - windy, freezing, total darkness, one spotlight, looking up at fifteen feet of face climbing with no pro or anchor bolts?<br /><br />then i packed up and drove home. <br /><br />i slept for a little, showered, made coffee, ate breakfast, went to the office, came back. now i'm going to walk to school, attend two classes, teach rock 1, run the climbing gym from 4-6, then go running. at that point i have to choose between rehearsing a russian folk dance and going back up to MT. A to work that slab for that tiny steel piece.<br /><br />resilient & committed.<br />doing everything with <i>intention</i>.<br />piecing apart rational & subconscious fear.<br />gracefully observing impermanence.<br /><br /><br /><i>in the face of all aridity and disenchantment <b>it</b> is as perennial as the grass.</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:140361 2009-10-26T00:01:19Z 2009-10-26T00:01:19Z today i had the most solid day of outdoor climbing i've had in such a long time...<br />love climbing with people who are as motivated to explore.<br /><br />put up another ascent of aqua man using a bolt from horatio, since the bottom two bolts on aqua are sketchy scary flexy. (10b/c?) didn't struggle with the crux at all. just breathing, rock, clean movements. set a super long anchor and about three people from the team were able to climb it toproped. that got me stoked. everyone was just having such a great time, and some people, i like to think, definitely got a taste of actual steep, small pockets and small face climbing. my arms felt really good. worked on an .11b project up to the third bolt. put up a 5.10d with a roof finish. all the top ropes are super tough to set up without some type of bad rope drag, and some bolts are iffy, but all-in-all emigrant is fun.<br /><br /><br />i didn't sleep last night at all. i'm way behind on office work, and school. i feel pretty burnt out, and i think i'm getting sick.<br /><br />but i find myself spacing out (especially the last two hours), and when i'll catch myself, i find i was daydreaming about the whole & calm feeling i felt at 830 when i tied in. the fact that i can't stop thinking about it makes me wonder.<br /><br />i feel like i'll probably guide the SOU mountaineering course for the winter, and then take school off to ski and do some alpine climbs on shasta, some mixed training in the bowl, or whatever i can find. i dunno if that'll work for me or against me? But i think it really needs to happen, and my denali schedule is comiiiing sooooon<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />my emotional center seems anchored by really thin stuff lately. i definitely am glad i learned to take care of myself well. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:140090 2009-10-21T05:36:57Z 2009-10-21T05:36:57Z i soloed across the top of the arch today with no ropes. put down two crash pads, and just sucked up my fear. it still scared the shit out of me, but i did it. for a second there, hanging in an arm lock to shake out before i climbed across, my mind just emptied itself. the only thing i could focus on was my breathing, my extended arm i was hanging from. then it was the next hold, an exhale.<br /><br />i wish it always worked that way. it's been a really hard couple of weeks. 8 am - 9 pm makes for a long day.<br /><br />this week is supposed to be perfect. i'm going climbing outside every day starting tomorrow. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:139781 2009-10-21T05:29:25Z 2009-10-21T05:29:25Z enough to hold you to the brightest of lights,<br />to place you dangerously close to that sun.<br />enough to acknowledge the flaws you can't ignore<br />and recognize the cause of what's done is done.<br />more than enough to put my name behind my ideals,<br />and neglect my logic twice daily.<br /><br />for every eclipse that stares at me<br />from the other side of a paper cup of espresso<br />I light a match beneath a kettle.<br />and for ever set of lips that become attached<br />and equipped with that program to seek success,<br /><i>i bleed my ethics at a slow drip.</i><br /><br />enough to keep me looking for my lucy in the sky with gems<br /><br />two different worlds apart,<br />but the world is just a small town. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:139520 2009-10-20T03:47:52Z 2009-10-20T03:47:52Z been here so long<br />my heart is a parking lot<br />hollow feet rooted to the spot urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:139214 2009-10-11T04:29:25Z 2009-10-11T04:57:33Z everyone you know tells you to be sensible. to move on. to make it easier on yourself by not being alone with your thoughts. they try to distract your head, and they ask you probing questions to try and force you to reveal that in fact you could 'control' some degree of how and when you feel things. but you actually end up following the feelings and actions and thoughts that your heart feeds you - and in the end, regardless of whether or not you end up single, taken, miserable, angry, happy, lonely, content - you fucking know that you have real love for something. because you ended up ignoring every single piece of advice and every single second thought, and infallibly obeyed the one true feeling you knew wasn't ignorable or modifiable. and it comes from <i>your</i> heart with every single fucking pump of <i>your</i>blood.<br /><br />and whether it breaks you or heals you, leaves you so alone - you can have the full guarantee that you followed your heart. and there is nothing more true or admirable than that, regardless of what anyone will try to convince you of.<br /><br />strong heart.<br />strong life. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:138978 2009-10-09T07:59:49Z 2009-10-09T08:02:46Z my heart hurts.<br /><br />but every now and then i get this physical rush of energy. i've always dealt with chest pain that way. it sort of forces me to ignore the pain in my arm, and the mental strain of schoolworkschoolworklackofsleepschoolwork, and get on with progress, productivity, life. whatever you call it. the physical rush makes me climb - ignoring pain and blisters and sore toes.<br /><br />tomorrow i get to teach a two credit class. "rock climbing one".<br />on monday i get to teach it again.<br />on wednesday i get to teach it again.<br /><br />i just found out i get to be 3rd guide for the SOU mountaineering course this winter. that's something to look forward to.<br /><br />i work 20 hours a week, i'm taking 18 credits, i'm in charge of a climbing team, the SOU rock gym, and i voluntarily teach classes because it provides good experience. all of this is busy, and fucking stressful, but i feel happy to get up every morning and go through it.<br /><br /><br />my heart hurts.<br />a lot.<br /><br />right now.<br /><br />but luckily i have ways of dealing with that feeling. i get to listen to the National. I get to experience a small amount of joy every morning from making a good cup of coffee. <i> i am looking forward to tomorrow </i> i enjoy listen to 102.7 in the morning while i drive to school, mostly because i don't have an iPod, but also because they tend to play songs that i enjoy in the morning. in the afternoon, not so much... <br /><br />i have four limbs, and my body is physically fit. if that doesn't make me feel grateful, then i have no idea what fucking should.<br /><br />i have feet that can walk. and i walk every day.<br />i have eyes that see. and i see beautiful, horrible, sad, happy things every day.<br />i feel so many emotions every day that sometimes i can barely even do anything but just sit and think about them. <br /><br />i am a complex human being. i have a loving family. i have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. i am privileged, and i am <i>very lucky</i> to still be alive.<br /><br /><br />i remember lying in a hospital bed in Portland, beeps and ticks and groggy eyes. i couldn't move because my body ached. i had an IV inside my arm, and about four different monitors stuck to stomach and chest. my head hurt so bad that i would feel dizzy lying down. sometimes i would push the call button for the nurse, and puke all over the side of my bed and the floor before she would arrive. for three days i dealt with the mistakes that i knowingly allowed myself to make, and i was lucky enough to come out alive. that should be enough to have me grateful for the opportunity i have right now. the opportunity that, for some reason, i don't take full advantage of every day.<br /><br /><br />i get to climb mountains. i am privileged enough to have survived in this world for almost twenty two years, and one day i'll stand upon the summit of the tallest mountains in the world, and be able to clear my mind entirely. i can't imagine the breathless clarity that i'll experience on those cold mornings, but until that day, i'll keep working as hard as i can to improve my self, and the quality of the lives of all these human beings that i am lucky enough to share my life with.<br /><br /><br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure<br />courage is grace under pressure urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:138745 2009-10-06T04:56:37Z 2009-10-06T04:56:37Z what we lost.<br /><br />the interior love poem<br />the deeper levels of the self<br />landscapes of daily life<br /><br />dates when the abandonment<br />of certain principles occurred.<br /><br />the rule of courtesy - how to enter<br />a shrine or forest, how to touch<br />a master's feet before lesson or performance.<br /><br />how to cut an arrow. gestures between lovers.<br />the pattern of her teeth marks on his skin<br />drawn by a monk from memory.<br /><br />the limits of betrayal. the five ways<br />a lover could mock an ex-lover.<br /><br />nine finger and eye gestures<br />to signal key emotions.<br /><br />the small boats of solitude.<br /><br />lyrics that rose<br />from love<br />back into the air<br /><br />naked with guile<br />and praise.<br /><br />our works and days.<br /><br />when to discover<br />the knowledge of the dead<br /><br />hidden in clouds,<br />in rivers, in unbroken rock<br /><br />all this we burned or traded for power and wealth<br />from the eight compass points of vengeance<br />from the two levels of envy<br /><br />and then left with<br />the moment in the heart<br />where you roam restless, searching<br /><br /><i>and now with all the swerves of history<br />i cannot imagine your future<br />would wish to dream it, see you again<br />your already philosophical air<br />rubbing against the speed of the city,<br />the small farm, the long road<br />i no longer guess a future<br />and do not know how we end<br />or where</i><br /><b><br />though i know a story about maps for you<br /></b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:138419 2009-10-05T02:19:33Z 2009-10-05T02:19:33Z i feel happy. i feel like jumping!<br /><br />jumpingjumpingjumpingjumping urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:138181 2009-09-30T05:25:16Z 2009-09-30T05:29:42Z <i>things</i><br /><br />apple pie<br />blue<br />purple<br />any place above the reservoir<br />whiskey<br />the notebook<br />being anywhere at work<br />11 pm<br />'can't touch this'<br />being barefoot<br />white rabbit parking lot<br />franzia<br />any morning when i wake up before 7<br />the way bella runs in to my room <i>right</i> as i leave<br />spaceship noises<br />sledding<br />the right side of my street<br />211<br />well-made beds<br />folded boxers<br />friday<br />the orange mineral deposit at soda springs<br />anytime anyone says 'Shakespeare'<br />upper albert lake in spring<br />all forms of silence<br />smiling while looking exasperated<br />'time flies' by pete philly<br />being in my bed at all<br />feeling happy<br />the echo spot<br />sitting on railings<br />rinsing anything without soap<br />the velveteen rabbit<br />jagermeister<br />great american pizza co.<br />feet touching feet<br />throwing cell phones<br />the secret spot, before it was stolen and re-named<br />the cover of a book by robert kelly<br /><br />one poem-<br /><br /><i>always the chanciest time<br />i knew or i know<br />she said to him to say<br />he said it & meant<br />to be still<br />i mean quiet soundless still<br />on barbitos & phorminx & fender<br />tortoise & piba & claves<br />ecuadorian panpipes<br />& the late Admiral Yama-<br />moto's long lost shakuhachi<br />singing from the bottom of the sea<br />we have achieved<br />you & i<br />an enviable condition<br />i yield my freedom<br />to have known you<br /></i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:137799 2009-09-25T04:27:50Z 2009-09-25T04:27:50Z seeing you really is the best part of my day.<br /><br /><br /><br />imagine how good my day was when i got to see you <i>and</i> go climbing.<br /><br /><br /><br />feel.<br /><br />sick.<br /><br />and like eating ice cream. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:137530 2009-09-22T16:31:24Z 2009-09-22T18:12:33Z Feeling super stoked on the future this morning. Been sitting around since 730 reading Messner's testaments to 1970's K2, and checking out vintage photos of Denali. I keep reminding myself that while Denali isn't the Baltoro or some massive 8,000m peak, and while i'm not Hillary or Messner, Mt. McKinley is still the highest point on our continent, and will be a solid check mark on my expedition list, as well as an incredibly difficult physical and mental challenge.<br /><br />2012 is still two years distant, but the hard point of my training begins this winter - Three different routes on Shasta, as well as separate climbs on Mt. Hood, and Mt. Baker. Running every morning, and plenty of speed climbing. in 2012 our four-man team (representing Colorado, California, Chile, and of course. . .Oregon!) plans to climb unsupported from the base of the park, all the way to the Kahiltna around 8,000 ft. (most expeditions charter air transport to the glacier) From there we head up the West Rib route to the summit at 20,320 ft, hitting more than three high camps, and multiple cruxes of 45-65 degree ice.<br /><br />I've been hacking away at my gear list, and spoke with both the guys at Feathered Friends and Mtn. Hardware about tents and some custom down gear. With a large enough order, it looks like we might be outfitted for a very good price, and with the best high-altitude down gear on the market. (My jacket/pant combo is gonna be sewn specially for me with Red, Green, and Yellow, all in waterproof eVent!) I just placed an order yesterday for a pair of the new superlight Petzl ice tools, and i'm checking out their new hybrid crampons just for kicks. I keep reminding myself that I don't need to invest in all sorts of ice screws and rope fixing gear until next year, but I can barely contain my excitement when i browse the Petzl and Black Diamond ice catalogs.<br /><br />So, today, with snow in short supply, the best I can do is pump myself up for the winter.<br />Here's some compiled shots with which I keep myself stoked!<br /><br /><br /><br />Route overview. West buttress is the standard. Our route from the Kahiltna to the summit is highlighted in Orange. Cassin and Isis are further to the right. Testament to their difficulty? The Giri Giri Boys went missing on the upper part of Cassin this last May after chaining W--&gt;E Kahiltna with a variation on the Slovak Direct (which runs parallel to Cassin Ridge). The two-man Japanese team was highly skilled, experienced, and totally without fear. Victim to either avalanche, exhaustion, or falls - After 30+ hours of flight search from the NPS, their bodies still haven't been found. Cassin Ridge is the most technical face on this side of Denali, with the West Rib coming in at a close second.<br /><img src="http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o124/libertineblanc/denali_routes_overview.jpg"><br /><br />Upper West Rib detail, showing approximate high camp locations. Depending on snow conditions, these camps will move somewhat.<br /><img src="http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o124/libertineblanc/upper_rib_camp6.jpg"><br /><br />Haulin' sleds. Between high and low camps. This shot was taken on a fairly mellow section of the lower West Rib.<br /><img src="http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o124/libertineblanc/2705574909_26e9dd4be7.jpg"><br /><br />View from Camp six! <br /><img src="http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o124/libertineblanc/FotosLucky0004.jpg"><br /><br />View from the top of Access Couloir, on fixed ropes. Steep enough? Cassin runs up the background, climber's left.<br /><img src="http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o124/libertineblanc/colin_haley10.jpg"><br /><br /><br /><br />I feel a super-strange mix of apprehension and total excitement these days. I have to keep myself humbled. Constantly. Every single bit of mental preparation i've done so far just leaves me with a deeper appreciation for my life. That's strange. . . because I feel like my mental preparation for this huge undertaking has barely even started.<br /><br />When i turn 22 in a couple months, it marks a point of absolute no return. Things will change, and strategies will be adjusted - but from that point on I am committed 100% to a demanding lifestyle of sheer determination and discipline. <br /><br />As I am reminded every day, even with the apparent security of fixed ropes and established camps, neither the world's greatest mountains, nor human potential, will ever be wholly predictable. At times either the spirit that brings us to the heights - or the one that we discover there - may be all that we have to draw upon to try to get ourselves and our friends down alive. I keep that in the back of my head constantly.<br /><br />So this is why I laugh when people hear that i'm enrolled in the OAL program at SOU, and then ask, "Well there's a pretty good job market out there for that! Have you thought about your career?" urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:137396 2009-09-20T04:30:15Z 2009-09-20T04:31:14Z running lovely circles<br />circles circles circles<br /><br /><i>impossible yoga position but she likes to have goals that no one else can imagine, so they'll shut up about how they understand exactly what she's going through</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:137058 2009-09-17T23:09:51Z 2009-09-17T23:09:51Z yeah,<br />someone tell me what to believe in,<br />and i'll consider it.<br /><br />'cos i feel lost urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:136863 2009-09-14T02:09:53Z 2009-09-14T02:44:12Z <i>and we said these songs are true<br />these days are ours<br />these tears are free<br /><br />day by day by day by day</i><br /><br /><br />had this dream where we spent all evening hiding from the people who've spent their precious time chasing us. it was incredibly easy, and we ended up cooking delicious meals and stargazing in various locations until we'd have to re-hide ourselves. climbed an avocado tree and put up a rope swing. it rained and rained and rained, and i know why. remember the feeling of your soaked hair against my skin. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lelibertin:136480 2009-09-12T01:24:57Z 2009-09-12T01:24:57Z easily confused. happy. blur.