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endroits à être

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11/24/09 09:14 pm

i believe everything you say
'cos you're not frightened
the way i've been so
so i follow you
just in case you lose your way
so glad you let me stay around

talking endlessly, not a kind word to say
till your amber beads of wisdom come
and i want to write it down
just the way you said it
so i could keep it always

11/21/09 12:59 am

people are different, expansive, and so lovely

11/15/09 06:46 pm

when one photo makes you feel an incredible breadth of feelings
you know you're doing at least something correctly

11/10/09 04:27 pm

my energy level just hit zero.

i forgot to save some for later.




if i get up and keep going,
it'll be good practice, right.

11/3/09 10:10 pm

yay :)

10/31/09 12:51 am

i can't think of anything to write about.

10/29/09 03:47 am

why can't i fall asleep?

- it is almost 4 am.

10/26/09 10:32 am

i roped and soloed two pitches in the MT. A bowl around 4 am this morning. i was really high, but i came back with all gear accounted for. crazy windy darkness. i was tempted to try and clean the old piton from below the black slab, because it looked exciting, but when i got super pumped out about 15 feet below it, with no bolts above, i started to feel scared.

i guess that's rational fear though - windy, freezing, total darkness, one spotlight, looking up at fifteen feet of face climbing with no pro or anchor bolts?

then i packed up and drove home.

i slept for a little, showered, made coffee, ate breakfast, went to the office, came back. now i'm going to walk to school, attend two classes, teach rock 1, run the climbing gym from 4-6, then go running. at that point i have to choose between rehearsing a russian folk dance and going back up to MT. A to work that slab for that tiny steel piece.

resilient & committed.
doing everything with intention.
piecing apart rational & subconscious fear.
gracefully observing impermanence.


in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

10/25/09 04:34 pm

today i had the most solid day of outdoor climbing i've had in such a long time...
love climbing with people who are as motivated to explore.

put up another ascent of aqua man using a bolt from horatio, since the bottom two bolts on aqua are sketchy scary flexy. (10b/c?) didn't struggle with the crux at all. just breathing, rock, clean movements. set a super long anchor and about three people from the team were able to climb it toproped. that got me stoked. everyone was just having such a great time, and some people, i like to think, definitely got a taste of actual steep, small pockets and small face climbing. my arms felt really good. worked on an .11b project up to the third bolt. put up a 5.10d with a roof finish. all the top ropes are super tough to set up without some type of bad rope drag, and some bolts are iffy, but all-in-all emigrant is fun.


i didn't sleep last night at all. i'm way behind on office work, and school. i feel pretty burnt out, and i think i'm getting sick.

but i find myself spacing out (especially the last two hours), and when i'll catch myself, i find i was daydreaming about the whole & calm feeling i felt at 830 when i tied in. the fact that i can't stop thinking about it makes me wonder.

i feel like i'll probably guide the SOU mountaineering course for the winter, and then take school off to ski and do some alpine climbs on shasta, some mixed training in the bowl, or whatever i can find. i dunno if that'll work for me or against me? But i think it really needs to happen, and my denali schedule is comiiiing sooooon





my emotional center seems anchored by really thin stuff lately. i definitely am glad i learned to take care of myself well.

10/20/09 10:30 pm

i soloed across the top of the arch today with no ropes. put down two crash pads, and just sucked up my fear. it still scared the shit out of me, but i did it. for a second there, hanging in an arm lock to shake out before i climbed across, my mind just emptied itself. the only thing i could focus on was my breathing, my extended arm i was hanging from. then it was the next hold, an exhale.

i wish it always worked that way. it's been a really hard couple of weeks. 8 am - 9 pm makes for a long day.

this week is supposed to be perfect. i'm going climbing outside every day starting tomorrow.

10/20/09 10:23 pm

enough to hold you to the brightest of lights,
to place you dangerously close to that sun.
enough to acknowledge the flaws you can't ignore
and recognize the cause of what's done is done.
more than enough to put my name behind my ideals,
and neglect my logic twice daily.

for every eclipse that stares at me
from the other side of a paper cup of espresso
I light a match beneath a kettle.
and for ever set of lips that become attached
and equipped with that program to seek success,
i bleed my ethics at a slow drip.

enough to keep me looking for my lucy in the sky with gems

two different worlds apart,
but the world is just a small town.

10/19/09 08:45 pm

been here so long
my heart is a parking lot
hollow feet rooted to the spot

10/10/09 09:24 pm

everyone you know tells you to be sensible. to move on. to make it easier on yourself by not being alone with your thoughts. they try to distract your head, and they ask you probing questions to try and force you to reveal that in fact you could 'control' some degree of how and when you feel things. but you actually end up following the feelings and actions and thoughts that your heart feeds you - and in the end, regardless of whether or not you end up single, taken, miserable, angry, happy, lonely, content - you fucking know that you have real love for something. because you ended up ignoring every single piece of advice and every single second thought, and infallibly obeyed the one true feeling you knew wasn't ignorable or modifiable. and it comes from your heart with every single fucking pump of yourblood.

and whether it breaks you or heals you, leaves you so alone - you can have the full guarantee that you followed your heart. and there is nothing more true or admirable than that, regardless of what anyone will try to convince you of.

strong heart.
strong life.

10/9/09 12:41 am

my heart hurts.

but every now and then i get this physical rush of energy. i've always dealt with chest pain that way. it sort of forces me to ignore the pain in my arm, and the mental strain of schoolworkschoolworklackofsleepschoolwork, and get on with progress, productivity, life. whatever you call it. the physical rush makes me climb - ignoring pain and blisters and sore toes.

tomorrow i get to teach a two credit class. "rock climbing one".
on monday i get to teach it again.
on wednesday i get to teach it again.

i just found out i get to be 3rd guide for the SOU mountaineering course this winter. that's something to look forward to.

i work 20 hours a week, i'm taking 18 credits, i'm in charge of a climbing team, the SOU rock gym, and i voluntarily teach classes because it provides good experience. all of this is busy, and fucking stressful, but i feel happy to get up every morning and go through it.


my heart hurts.
a lot.

right now.

but luckily i have ways of dealing with that feeling. i get to listen to the National. I get to experience a small amount of joy every morning from making a good cup of coffee. i am looking forward to tomorrow i enjoy listen to 102.7 in the morning while i drive to school, mostly because i don't have an iPod, but also because they tend to play songs that i enjoy in the morning. in the afternoon, not so much...

i have four limbs, and my body is physically fit. if that doesn't make me feel grateful, then i have no idea what fucking should.

i have feet that can walk. and i walk every day.
i have eyes that see. and i see beautiful, horrible, sad, happy things every day.
i feel so many emotions every day that sometimes i can barely even do anything but just sit and think about them.

i am a complex human being. i have a loving family. i have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. i am privileged, and i am very lucky to still be alive.


i remember lying in a hospital bed in Portland, beeps and ticks and groggy eyes. i couldn't move because my body ached. i had an IV inside my arm, and about four different monitors stuck to stomach and chest. my head hurt so bad that i would feel dizzy lying down. sometimes i would push the call button for the nurse, and puke all over the side of my bed and the floor before she would arrive. for three days i dealt with the mistakes that i knowingly allowed myself to make, and i was lucky enough to come out alive. that should be enough to have me grateful for the opportunity i have right now. the opportunity that, for some reason, i don't take full advantage of every day.


i get to climb mountains. i am privileged enough to have survived in this world for almost twenty two years, and one day i'll stand upon the summit of the tallest mountains in the world, and be able to clear my mind entirely. i can't imagine the breathless clarity that i'll experience on those cold mornings, but until that day, i'll keep working as hard as i can to improve my self, and the quality of the lives of all these human beings that i am lucky enough to share my life with.


courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure
courage is grace under pressure

10/5/09 09:25 pm

what we lost.

the interior love poem
the deeper levels of the self
landscapes of daily life

dates when the abandonment
of certain principles occurred.

the rule of courtesy - how to enter
a shrine or forest, how to touch
a master's feet before lesson or performance.

how to cut an arrow. gestures between lovers.
the pattern of her teeth marks on his skin
drawn by a monk from memory.

the limits of betrayal. the five ways
a lover could mock an ex-lover.

nine finger and eye gestures
to signal key emotions.

the small boats of solitude.

lyrics that rose
from love
back into the air

naked with guile
and praise.

our works and days.

when to discover
the knowledge of the dead

hidden in clouds,
in rivers, in unbroken rock

all this we burned or traded for power and wealth
from the eight compass points of vengeance
from the two levels of envy

and then left with
the moment in the heart
where you roam restless, searching

and now with all the swerves of history
i cannot imagine your future
would wish to dream it, see you again
your already philosophical air
rubbing against the speed of the city,
the small farm, the long road
i no longer guess a future
and do not know how we end
or where


though i know a story about maps for you

10/4/09 07:19 pm

i feel happy. i feel like jumping!

jumpingjumpingjumpingjumping

9/29/09 09:50 pm

things

apple pie
blue
purple
any place above the reservoir
whiskey
the notebook
being anywhere at work
11 pm
'can't touch this'
being barefoot
white rabbit parking lot
franzia
any morning when i wake up before 7
the way bella runs in to my room right as i leave
spaceship noises
sledding
the right side of my street
211
well-made beds
folded boxers
friday
the orange mineral deposit at soda springs
anytime anyone says 'Shakespeare'
upper albert lake in spring
all forms of silence
smiling while looking exasperated
'time flies' by pete philly
being in my bed at all
feeling happy
the echo spot
sitting on railings
rinsing anything without soap
the velveteen rabbit
jagermeister
great american pizza co.
feet touching feet
throwing cell phones
the secret spot, before it was stolen and re-named
the cover of a book by robert kelly

one poem-

always the chanciest time
i knew or i know
she said to him to say
he said it & meant
to be still
i mean quiet soundless still
on barbitos & phorminx & fender
tortoise & piba & claves
ecuadorian panpipes
& the late Admiral Yama-
moto's long lost shakuhachi
singing from the bottom of the sea
we have achieved
you & i
an enviable condition
i yield my freedom
to have known you

9/24/09 09:26 pm

seeing you really is the best part of my day.



imagine how good my day was when i got to see you and go climbing.



feel.

sick.

and like eating ice cream.

9/22/09 09:17 am

Feeling super stoked on the future this morning. Been sitting around since 730 reading Messner's testaments to 1970's K2, and checking out vintage photos of Denali. I keep reminding myself that while Denali isn't the Baltoro or some massive 8,000m peak, and while i'm not Hillary or Messner, Mt. McKinley is still the highest point on our continent, and will be a solid check mark on my expedition list, as well as an incredibly difficult physical and mental challenge.

2012 is still two years distant, but the hard point of my training begins this winter - Three different routes on Shasta, as well as separate climbs on Mt. Hood, and Mt. Baker. Running every morning, and plenty of speed climbing. in 2012 our four-man team (representing Colorado, California, Chile, and of course. . .Oregon!) plans to climb unsupported from the base of the park, all the way to the Kahiltna around 8,000 ft. (most expeditions charter air transport to the glacier) From there we head up the West Rib route to the summit at 20,320 ft, hitting more than three high camps, and multiple cruxes of 45-65 degree ice.

I've been hacking away at my gear list, and spoke with both the guys at Feathered Friends and Mtn. Hardware about tents and some custom down gear. With a large enough order, it looks like we might be outfitted for a very good price, and with the best high-altitude down gear on the market. (My jacket/pant combo is gonna be sewn specially for me with Red, Green, and Yellow, all in waterproof eVent!) I just placed an order yesterday for a pair of the new superlight Petzl ice tools, and i'm checking out their new hybrid crampons just for kicks. I keep reminding myself that I don't need to invest in all sorts of ice screws and rope fixing gear until next year, but I can barely contain my excitement when i browse the Petzl and Black Diamond ice catalogs.

So, today, with snow in short supply, the best I can do is pump myself up for the winter.
Here's some compiled shots with which I keep myself stoked!



Route overview. West buttress is the standard. Our route from the Kahiltna to the summit is highlighted in Orange. Cassin and Isis are further to the right. Testament to their difficulty? The Giri Giri Boys went missing on the upper part of Cassin this last May after chaining W-->E Kahiltna with a variation on the Slovak Direct (which runs parallel to Cassin Ridge). The two-man Japanese team was highly skilled, experienced, and totally without fear. Victim to either avalanche, exhaustion, or falls - After 30+ hours of flight search from the NPS, their bodies still haven't been found. Cassin Ridge is the most technical face on this side of Denali, with the West Rib coming in at a close second.


Upper West Rib detail, showing approximate high camp locations. Depending on snow conditions, these camps will move somewhat.


Haulin' sleds. Between high and low camps. This shot was taken on a fairly mellow section of the lower West Rib.


View from Camp six!


View from the top of Access Couloir, on fixed ropes. Steep enough? Cassin runs up the background, climber's left.




I feel a super-strange mix of apprehension and total excitement these days. I have to keep myself humbled. Constantly. Every single bit of mental preparation i've done so far just leaves me with a deeper appreciation for my life. That's strange. . . because I feel like my mental preparation for this huge undertaking has barely even started.

When i turn 22 in a couple months, it marks a point of absolute no return. Things will change, and strategies will be adjusted - but from that point on I am committed 100% to a demanding lifestyle of sheer determination and discipline.

As I am reminded every day, even with the apparent security of fixed ropes and established camps, neither the world's greatest mountains, nor human potential, will ever be wholly predictable. At times either the spirit that brings us to the heights - or the one that we discover there - may be all that we have to draw upon to try to get ourselves and our friends down alive. I keep that in the back of my head constantly.

So this is why I laugh when people hear that i'm enrolled in the OAL program at SOU, and then ask, "Well there's a pretty good job market out there for that! Have you thought about your career?"

9/19/09 09:29 pm

running lovely circles
circles circles circles

impossible yoga position but she likes to have goals that no one else can imagine, so they'll shut up about how they understand exactly what she's going through
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